In The Gloaming of the Day
Dec. 21, 2005
Yesterday, it rained all day. Wonderful! The trees and I desperately needed it. I bundled up and went out onto the screened in back porch though the temperature was only 40 and seemed much colder due to the high humidity. I sat in my camping chair with the footrest, snuggled in a sleeping bag and listened to the rain hitting the metal roof and then pinging upon the metal underpinning of our home. It was a mesmerizing sound; almost hypnotic in its repetitive rhythm. The air smelled so good as it filtered through my knitted scarf, which I held over my nose for warmth. I had taken a book out with me but I never opened it, so intrigued was I by the activity of birds in the rain and cold. Then I felt badly for them that I had let some of their feeders run out of seed. Other than that guilt, which was assuaged when I would see them leave their feeder of choice that was empty and go to a squirrel-proof one that held plenty, it was a perfect moment.
The real challenge in my life is to find happiness in the moments of inactivity. For when I am busy, my mind doesn't take control and lead me down paths of negative thought patterns like worry, fear, isolation, and boredom. But to be inactive and stay in the moment and be content and happy with just being is a real challenge for me. And at 62, nearing 63, I find I need more and more of those quiet, inactive moments. Yet practice of staying in that moment is definitely needed.
I particularly have trouble during "the gloaming of the day". My sister tells me that patients with Alzheimer's Disease want to "go home" during this time of day. This is when I get very restless and want comfort. This is when "the hole" opens up in me. It is the time of day, that if inactive, I want to return to my old habits of escape: "pushing down" (swallowing) rather than finding ways to fill the "hole".
But to just Be in the moment and accept these feelings as part of life, life as it is at this moment, even though it may be uncomfortable, relieves me of my pain of depression. In fact, if I do accept the discomfort and realize this too shall pass and furthermore that it will likely come again and that it is perfectly okay b ecause such is life, then I am okay also even in the gloaming of the day.
Yesterday, it rained all day. Wonderful! The trees and I desperately needed it. I bundled up and went out onto the screened in back porch though the temperature was only 40 and seemed much colder due to the high humidity. I sat in my camping chair with the footrest, snuggled in a sleeping bag and listened to the rain hitting the metal roof and then pinging upon the metal underpinning of our home. It was a mesmerizing sound; almost hypnotic in its repetitive rhythm. The air smelled so good as it filtered through my knitted scarf, which I held over my nose for warmth. I had taken a book out with me but I never opened it, so intrigued was I by the activity of birds in the rain and cold. Then I felt badly for them that I had let some of their feeders run out of seed. Other than that guilt, which was assuaged when I would see them leave their feeder of choice that was empty and go to a squirrel-proof one that held plenty, it was a perfect moment.
The real challenge in my life is to find happiness in the moments of inactivity. For when I am busy, my mind doesn't take control and lead me down paths of negative thought patterns like worry, fear, isolation, and boredom. But to be inactive and stay in the moment and be content and happy with just being is a real challenge for me. And at 62, nearing 63, I find I need more and more of those quiet, inactive moments. Yet practice of staying in that moment is definitely needed.
I particularly have trouble during "the gloaming of the day". My sister tells me that patients with Alzheimer's Disease want to "go home" during this time of day. This is when I get very restless and want comfort. This is when "the hole" opens up in me. It is the time of day, that if inactive, I want to return to my old habits of escape: "pushing down" (swallowing) rather than finding ways to fill the "hole".
But to just Be in the moment and accept these feelings as part of life, life as it is at this moment, even though it may be uncomfortable, relieves me of my pain of depression. In fact, if I do accept the discomfort and realize this too shall pass and furthermore that it will likely come again and that it is perfectly okay b ecause such is life, then I am okay also even in the gloaming of the day.
posted by Sandra | 11:21 AM
1 Comments:
Mom - what a great passage! I think we've already discussed how I also feel depressed during the "gloaming" - particularly if I've been doing some activity, and then it is dark by the time I finish.
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