Darkness Overwhelming
Sunday, January 08, 2006
It is nighttime though yet early. I sit here looking out into the darkness and I remember the darkness which I saw today in the lives of some living in my small community in rural East Tx. Children being raised in poverty and by drugged parents; little ones so happy to have an adult address them personally and show them a little attention. I recall a visit with a young woman living alone and apologizing that I had caught her on a bad day because she had had too many beers; yet, the loneliness was so strong it almost held onto me, but I had to pull myself away to visit others. I told her that I too had drank too much at times and that I understood. She spoke from the darkness of her life. Maybe a seed of hope was planted in her garden of despair. Later, I talked with a woman trying to save fish whose home, due to the drought and unseasonably warm TX winter, were about to die. What little water they had was depleted of oxygen and it is just a matter of time. I promised to try to call the Wildlife or Games & Fisheries for her. And there was one sole duck/goose remaining; too tame to venture off the little drying-up pond, and yet too wild to let her take it into her home for nurture.
I came home in despair from my venture out to help my community. So much poverty, so much loneliness, desperation, escapism; but most of all so much raw Humanity I have never before experienced. I have always lived in a rather sheltered world; by no means wealthy, but able to pay the bills and have the things I wanted. And yet in my financially sheltered world, I too felt the loneliness, the isolation and I too sought escape. With me, the escape came through denail. I pushed away my troubles or at least attempted to, and my troubles when compared to those I met today were minor or at least seem so now.
What was my purpose in my venture? My sister and I had written a newsletter whose theme was “Our Community: People helping People”. Our unincorporated village is run by a Board of Directors and there is a lot of bickering, infighting, and politics. We wanted to have a positive influence by using the clubhouse for a “mom/dad’s night out”
or a caregiver’s time off. Perhaps we could all come to get acquainted over a potluck supper.
My naiveté is embarrassing. My wonderful home in the wilderness in which I am ecstatic with happiness, in no way prepared me for what I was to witness today and made my goal seem silly and insignificant. These people need money, jobs, hope, and I offer them my little piece of paper with big words and little promises. What can I do? Why must life be so unjust?
I saw a football game the other day in which two helicopters were used to dry the field so that the players would have a dry playing field. What is wrong with our world? What happened to “No child left behind?” Some would say “Oh, their parents could work and do better for their children”. The fact remains these children are left behind. And so I did as I got in my golf cart and turned on its lights and drove away leaving them in their darkness.
My heart, or what is left of it, is ripped into pieces; much like our world of inequities. And I sit here now writing, tears streaming down my face. What can I do? What good do these “Views from My Window: Musings of an Observer of Nature” do for that little girl and boy whose parents were so drugged they did not know I was there? The world of darkness will be the only view from their window.
It is nighttime though yet early. I sit here looking out into the darkness and I remember the darkness which I saw today in the lives of some living in my small community in rural East Tx. Children being raised in poverty and by drugged parents; little ones so happy to have an adult address them personally and show them a little attention. I recall a visit with a young woman living alone and apologizing that I had caught her on a bad day because she had had too many beers; yet, the loneliness was so strong it almost held onto me, but I had to pull myself away to visit others. I told her that I too had drank too much at times and that I understood. She spoke from the darkness of her life. Maybe a seed of hope was planted in her garden of despair. Later, I talked with a woman trying to save fish whose home, due to the drought and unseasonably warm TX winter, were about to die. What little water they had was depleted of oxygen and it is just a matter of time. I promised to try to call the Wildlife or Games & Fisheries for her. And there was one sole duck/goose remaining; too tame to venture off the little drying-up pond, and yet too wild to let her take it into her home for nurture.
I came home in despair from my venture out to help my community. So much poverty, so much loneliness, desperation, escapism; but most of all so much raw Humanity I have never before experienced. I have always lived in a rather sheltered world; by no means wealthy, but able to pay the bills and have the things I wanted. And yet in my financially sheltered world, I too felt the loneliness, the isolation and I too sought escape. With me, the escape came through denail. I pushed away my troubles or at least attempted to, and my troubles when compared to those I met today were minor or at least seem so now.
What was my purpose in my venture? My sister and I had written a newsletter whose theme was “Our Community: People helping People”. Our unincorporated village is run by a Board of Directors and there is a lot of bickering, infighting, and politics. We wanted to have a positive influence by using the clubhouse for a “mom/dad’s night out”
or a caregiver’s time off. Perhaps we could all come to get acquainted over a potluck supper.
My naiveté is embarrassing. My wonderful home in the wilderness in which I am ecstatic with happiness, in no way prepared me for what I was to witness today and made my goal seem silly and insignificant. These people need money, jobs, hope, and I offer them my little piece of paper with big words and little promises. What can I do? Why must life be so unjust?
I saw a football game the other day in which two helicopters were used to dry the field so that the players would have a dry playing field. What is wrong with our world? What happened to “No child left behind?” Some would say “Oh, their parents could work and do better for their children”. The fact remains these children are left behind. And so I did as I got in my golf cart and turned on its lights and drove away leaving them in their darkness.
My heart, or what is left of it, is ripped into pieces; much like our world of inequities. And I sit here now writing, tears streaming down my face. What can I do? What good do these “Views from My Window: Musings of an Observer of Nature” do for that little girl and boy whose parents were so drugged they did not know I was there? The world of darkness will be the only view from their window.
posted by Sandra | 8:15 PM
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