The T-Rex in my View

January 14, 2006, Saturday

I have a tyrannosaurus rex in the view from my window. A stump with a growth of vines and my imagination and there is a giant T-Rex lurching for its prey. How often do I live in the world of my fantasy? Fantasy would include not just the T-Rexes in my imaginings but also all the drama that I conjure up about other peoples’ lives and others’ reactions to mine. It would include almost all my thoughts that are removed from the present moment. The line between fantasy and reality is not always so clearly drawn as between T-Rex and just a stump with growth.

To live my life in fantasy is to deny the reality of my own Being. This has been the case recently with my involvement in my new community. I perceive this/that to be true and act accordingly and expect certain reactions in kind. But what I perceive to be real; e.g. suffering and poverty may be my own imaginings and misguided perceptions. Perhaps these people, in struggling with day to day realities of providing food and shelter for themselves and their families, are living a more real life (i.e. living in the present moment) than I, who imagine that they need an outsider coming in and “fixing things” perhaps to satisfy my own misguided needs of having “purpose or meaning in my life”.

When I began a newsletter, did I ask what they wanted or needed of me? No, I said you need this and that. Now, do it. I then grieved over how I could make all of “it” come about. I almost lost all peace and serenity I had gained at Stepping Stones when living my life in the now. For lately, I have been living my life in a fantasized mission I had created for myself to fill the “hole” that I know can only be filled from within myself and by myself.

I saw the community as my project to fix. Yes, there are problems here but they have been getting along just fine without me for 30 years. Maybe, rather than conjuring up T-Rexes, I should pause and see what’s really there and ask myself “how can I fit in” rather than try to change the community to fit me.

And it very well could be that to be true to myself there will not be a very good fit. Nor for them to be as they are if there are any “they”. In any microcosm of the world, there are as many realities as there are people. The secret to fit into the puzzle of life with others in my community is to accept who I am, who each of those I meet are, and to be myself and let them be themselves. Humility and acceptance are my two greatest challenges in life. Sometimes, I am not even sure what these concepts mean much less that I practice them.

The “Serenity Prayer” (a prayer which I have always been intrigued by) is most often quoted as “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Perhaps, therein lie the meanings of acceptance and humility. To accept things and people as they are and I as I am keeps me grounded in humility.

It is fine and part of being human to fantasize and imagine. Such is the basis of creativity. It is my “wisdom to know the difference” to realize I have created and that my creating is just that and not reality that matters. When I accept with humility things as they truly are, then I will have the peace and serenity I want for myself at Stepping Stones and the freedom to choose to envision T-Rexes rather than stumps with growth.